Guys. Justin Bieber is the new face of Calvin Klein jeans and underwear, and it’s hilarious.
One commercial starts out with the timeless theme of past meets present, which is to say that Justin Bieber is #throwbackthursday-ing his baby drumming skills while reminding us of his transition into douchebaggery by yet again refusing to clothe his torso. What? You say that Calvin Klein male underwear models don’t wear shirts? Hush. When Justin Bieber doesn’t wear a shirt, it means he’s a douchebag.
The clip continues with rapid jump shots of two scenes: Bieber drumming and a female model named Lara Stone working her strut towards Justin Bieber. Once she gets there, normal sexy-times ensue for a few frantically jump-cut seconds until Bieber says, Screw this sharing schtick, it’s solo time! and kicks Stone out of the frame for long enough to stare soulfully into the camera and say, “My Calvins,” over his bicep. Stone makes a triumphant comeback for the last two seconds, however, doing her famous “rug” impression over Bieber’s shoulder.
SNL already did a ruthless parody where Bieber tries desperately to show that he’s “a big boy” now. But he’s got nothing to prove to us here at blockedletters. There’s really no more “prepubescent boy next door” image to milk after the whole peeing-in-a-bucket episode. What Bieber is really trying to do here is show the world that he’s more than a blotch of shame on Canada’s proud history. O Canada, we stand on guard for thee—Bieber will never cross this border again.
Speaking of being a big boy, Calvin Klein seems to think Bieber needs some help in that department: apparently they photoshopped some manly hair onto his nether regions, which is really weird in today’s world of waxing. And, well, apparently this is the norm for male underwear models, but since it’s Justin Bieber, it will be mocked–there was some serious cuppage down there. Not padding. Just cuppage. Like, maybe the first cousin of padding. Stuffage’s foster brother.
We can only assume that Justin Bieber has reached that point in his career burnout where he needs money and will do many things to stay relevant. Calvin Klein has apparently reached that point in their company’s future where they’re…going in a new direction?
No speculations can be made about Lara’s Stone’s motivations for working with Bieber, however. We just don’t know. Perhaps a corporate Calvin Klein big wig said, “Jump,” and she said, “Nope, so much nope,” and they said, “You’re almost fired,” and she said, “How high?” Or maybe she was broke enough not to care about the things that happen to Bieber’s lady associates. If she did her research before the shoot, she can’t be surprised now at the death threats erupting from staunch remaining Beliebers like Old Faithful. The most memorable, I think, was, “Go kill yourself with a cactus,” which says a lot about the creativity of the average Belieber.
I have offended possibly everyone possible. Think I’m good now. L out.
P.S. Here, at the end of all things, I’d like to make a note. This article started out a fun mockery. Then I got into the research bit, and it went downhill. You know who still covers Justin Bieber? TMZ and the ClevverNews Rumor Patrol. I watched them so you didn’t have to. And I wrote the word “cuppage” so you could think to yourself, “Well, I might be reading this article but at least I didn’t invent the word ‘cuppage.’ “